A little background

Hubby and I threw away birth control in November 2009. We didn't officially start trying until March 2010, but we did have sex at the appropriate time accidentally in January 2010, so I count that as our TTC start date. We just hit 3 years and still have no child or children at home.

Nothing happened the first 8 official months of TTC. Then, on the last day of November 2010, I got my first bfp. I was estatic and never ever thought that things could go wrong. They did. That was my first chemical pregnancy.

In July 2011, I got another bfp and, again, didn't think anything would or could go wrong. Sadly, I had an ectopic pregnancy and we terminated at 5w3d. We then had a failed IVF cycle in January-February 2012, with no frozen embryos. When my RE heard me say "I don't care about DNA" (but my hubby does), she suggested "donor egg bank" at a Seattle clinic. It took me all of 2 seconds to decide to do that. It took my hubby a little longer as he had to grapple with his concerns of "making a baby with another woman." I'll blog about that more later.

Before heading to Seattle, I had another chemical pregnancy in March 2012 (yes, the month after our failed IVF cycle). We did our donor egg bank FET in July 2012 and GOT PREGNANT! Saw a heartbeat! Heard a heartbeat! And then had a 9 week miscarriage in September 2012. I then had another chemical pregnancy in October 2012, the very month after my miscarriage and d&c.

To me, a bfp or even seeing and hearing a heartbeat has come to mean nothing. I am scarred from this experience but still, we continue.

We were destroyed by that miscarriage. It took weeks of deep, dark spaces and thoughts before I started to come out from the hole. I was broken, numb, angry.

And then light started to shine on us again. I regained my confidence, my hope, and my willingness to go on. My darling husband was along for whatever I decided.

We chose a different donor - this one is against all odds, in her early 30s (the other donor was in her early 20s). Both donors have been "proven donors" and are both moms themselves.

This donor gave us 4 beautiful embryos. We are awaiting transfer in early April 2013.

Other than all these crappy chemicals / ectopic, there is nothing wrong with me or us. My hubby has "rockstar" sperm. All of my test results are "awesome" - meaning we *should* get pregnant and we *should be* parents.

I don't care how we get there. And I love the 4 frozen embryos so much and did not love the two embryos we got from our own IVF cycle any more. These 4 hold our hopes for a family and I love them so so so much.