Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Transfer is set

Lining cooperated: got to 8mm.

Actual readings were 7.96mm and 8.07mm.

Good enough! Transfer is set for April 2 at 2:30 pm, in Seattle.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Lining check = a delay

I went in for my lining check today, feeling really positive about it. I've had a lot of CM and I figured that was a really good sign: lots of estrogen = lots of CM = thick lining. Nope, my lining is doing EXACTLY what it did last summer. My clinic is more conservative than the Portland clinic. Portland requires a 7mm lining to go forward to transfer, but my clinic requires at least 8mm. Last summer, I was at 7mm for 2 weeks straight before finally "graduating" to 8mm. That 3 week delay killed me and all the estrogen I had to be on sucked.

This time? I'm on injectable estrogen for the first time and STILL my lining is only 7mm. I'm assuming I'll have to go back for another lining check sometime in the next week. Between now and then, I'll probably be told to either take the injectable more often (I'm taking it once every 3 days now) or my 3-day dosage will be increased. Either way, I suspect more estrogen is coming my way and more waiting and more hope / disappointment.

I was really feeling excited and strong and happy about this cycle. I saw my triple stripe on the ultrasound screen and I was happy. And then I heard "7mm" and I about fell apart inside. The tears didn't come for about 30 minutes because I had to deal with paying for today's bad news and then also dealing with a rather incompetent front desk person who gave me someone else's payment history. I now know that Kristen with a last name of G-something (I immediately made myself forget the name) is a patient there. Thanks, Portland clinic.

I walked my bike from the clinic to downtown, trying to delay the beginning of my work day. I called hubby to open up to him about feeling like I was falling apart. He semi-yelled at me about how I told him I was ready for this cycle and all outcomes, and how if this delay is setting me off, then maybe we shouldn't be doing the cycle at all. I know this was his response to fear and disappointment, but it broke my heart. He made good points, but I reminded him that there really is no way to prepare for (1) the sadness of delay and (2) another week-9 miscarriage (response to his point about being prepared for all outcomes). If I do manage to get prepared for that, it'll mean my heart has completely turned to stone, and I'm quite sure my hubby doesn't want that.

I stopped at a coffee shop and treated myself to a caffeinated latte (fuck it, right?!), a croissant AND an apple pocket. All hand-made from a local bakery, all totally delicious, all really bad for my body and all really good for my soul.

I'm waiting to hear from my Seattle nurse about what happens next.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Beautiful video about using donor eggs

Beautiful couple, beautiful words spoken, beautiful topic. They battled infertility for 6 years and are now (in this video) 14 weeks pregnant with twins via donor egg. Made me cry tears of happiness and also fear that I will never get to be this excited and happy, that this will never work for us. It is worth watching. Around 6 minutes, he says powerful things and around 7:15, she does. The whole video is bursting with their excitement:

My lining check is on Tuesday.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

I'm suppressed!

I went in for my real suppression check yesterday. At my SIS, I was told I was suppressed then, but my clinic wanted a real suppression check to make sure I hadn't broken through. The majority of me expected yesterday to be easy and routine - which it was - but a small part of me (the part of me that has seen my body screw a lot of easy and routine things up) was a little worried.

Luckily, I had nothing to be worried about and I am suppressed!

Hubby and I discussed no longer avoiding my due date and moving forward with the transfer as soon as my lining is ready. We told our nurse that yesterday and - provided all looks good at my lining check on the 19th - we'll be moving forward with our transfer the following week.

I'm feeling good so far. This next phase - growing a lining - is the part that has been hard for my body many a' time. So I am cautiously hopeful the intra-muscular Delestrogen shots will do the trick. And, yes, I will also be on PIO in about two weeks and that's a lot of intra-muscular shots. Ouch.

(I also have a debilitating multi-day Lupron-induced headache - my first - and am going home and into bed to try to get rid of it. Am told the estrogen shots will help.)